I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
