so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
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He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
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That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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