im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
