So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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