Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I FOUND THE LEGS
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
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