it hurts more in the daytime
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
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