A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
