Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
