The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize