this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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