dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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