90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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