I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
