I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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