I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
