I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
