guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
