how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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