The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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