see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
