I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
