last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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