The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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