her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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