the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
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