My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
