Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
