fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
