You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
