Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
