im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
We need to get me chipped asap
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