Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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