im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
