Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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