why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
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At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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