Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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