Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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