Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
