Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
