i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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