How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Randomize
