dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
