I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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