just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
