So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.