i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
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Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
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I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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