I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
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omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
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I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'