this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
