you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
