oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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