If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice