Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.