We named our party play list daddy issues
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
