Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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