Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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