I hate your face
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
