sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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