the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
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