My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
